After reading an article yesterday regarding an incident involving a woman who "beat up" another woman just because she thought she was ugly I felt impelled to blog and share a little of my own life experiences. The gist of the article explains that the victim who suffers from a rare condition which has disfigured her face rarely goes out because of the way people react towards her. On this particular night she had built up enough confidence to go out with friends. The incident which comes next is horrific, the accused who was drunk took a dislike to the victim because of the way she looked and started punching her not once but several times. When questioned by the police she claims she did nothing wrong. She was given an 8 month prison sentence. Which is a drop in the ocean compared to the victim who may now never recover from this ordeal. You just don't expect this sort of behaviour from modern society do you? But it is out there .We link the word bullying with children and teens but there are as many adults out in the big wide world who are nothing more than bullies which is putting it mildly. I won't go into the rights and wrongs of it as we'd be here all day but I thought I'd share with you my own experience which I very rarely talk about.
A few years ago ,well probably 15 yrs ago I began to suffer from agoraphobia ,which most assume is the fear of open crowded spaces.My take on it is, it's a fear of people .I have a certain amount of control over when and where I go out. and providing I have an escape root I am ok. However this has a detrimental effect on my family and some friends who don't understand my issues. As to them I am just Mum or Tracy .My husband included has no idea of how I feel or what it's like to be me.
I was born with a cleft palate back in 1966 some cleft palate babies are also Growth Hormone Deficient (GHD) like myself .Needless to say GHD effects natural growth and the ageing process,which in my case did not become evident till around 12 months old when I weighed in at approx 9lbs.
I was admitted into St Mary Abbots Hospital in London where I was to be nothing more than a pin cushion to the medical profession.To establish whether or not I was GHD I underwent several tests which involved blood taken from my feet , iodine was pumped into the veins in my head to see how quickly it travelled around my body. These tests were done a number of times ,I can't remember any of this of course but it has left me with a needle phobia. My parents were offered Hormone Injections which would have boosted my height by approx 6 inches, but they turned it down , as they were unsure how safe they were at the time.
So now at 44 I am 4ft 5 and don't look anywhere near my age. I am not worried about looking 44 or 64 or 74 but I would like to be treated as an equal. To make matters worse I have a speech impediment due to the cleft palate. Ok I am lucky I had the best treatment here in the Uk , as my first op was done in the US and had to be undone by the surgeons in St Lawrence Hospital Chepstow. I have had several ops throughout childhood to repair the cleft.Also many years of speech therapy .90% of the time it does not effect my everyday life. Although having a speech impediment is not considered a big deal we all have to communicate with each other we have no choice but to speak,and for me it is not an easy thing to do. I particularly do not like having to make phone calls I put it off until I really must do so.I am naturally chatty and friendly but feel trapped in my own little world at times. However being short is for me the worst aspect of my life. Immediately I am at an obvious disadvantage. Often the brunt of "short jokes" and the the total opposite of being ignored like I were almost invisible.
As an adult I have chosen to not put myself into situations I am not happy with.I pick and choose where and when I go out. Which lessens the possibility of being victimised or treated as if I were a child even. If I didn't have the speech issue I would stand up for myself but who is going to listen to a person with a speech impediment. So I keep my mouth shut and say nothing. Yes I get angry and frustrated but have learnt the art of switching off but that doesn't mean I do not get upset.
Despite the agoraphobia and the odd panic attack I do work , as I need the money and am good at what I do. I also have a vast network of friends which has been a real bonus. I do feel if it weren't for my height and speech I could have reached my potential and had a good career but so be it. I plan on writing a book about my own experiences of having GHD and a Cleft palate , which will be a mixture of tears ,anger ,achievements and so forth. I am not writing a book for sympathy but empathy. I just want to get across the fact that disfigured,disabled,or tiny folk like me have a brain ,a heart and feelings and want to be treated as equals.
One in 700 babies are born with a cleft of some sort , that is a quite a high figure. Maybe you know someone with a speech impediment, or indeed any impediment , and I am sure like me they all lead normal lives. I was never encouraged to talk about my feelings if anything I was suppressed instead of encouraged. A member of my family whom I won't name and shame once said to me "What do you expect of course people are going to look at you" that remark was enough to crush me. It has taken me many years to build up my confidence alone. I accept I will always have an issue with certain situations and I try and find a way around it. That is all I can do really! Thanks for reading xxx
